The Unholy Fan Game

A Game That Is Certifiably Never Going to Happen

By Jute Mill

And Others

Theoretically

Concept

See Osaka. BE Osaka.

Trippy.

Level 0: Scholastic Smackdown Zone

Welcome to the first level of a game that does not exist. It appears that Osaka has forgotten her book on the other side of the school, and Yukari's letting her go get it. Unfortunately, the school has recently gone under semi-consensual architectural renovation (read: earthquake). Also, there's a lot of people inexplicably pissed off at Osaka. Deal with them in a Castlevania-esque sidescrolling RPG fashion. Beating the Level Boss accrues Osaka's textbook.

Boss Dela Une: Nonperson

The first boss is a nameless male extra, never named or given any kind of significance beyond fleeting gags. Feel his wrath. Or defeat him.

Notable Weapon: The Pokin' Stick

'Tweener 0: Osaka and the Tome

Whoops, it looks like Osaka just plain left her book at home. So what's this book she found? It's the first edition Monsters And Their Kynde! How coincidental! Yukari takes it for safekeeping.

Level 1: Schooltime Shakedown Zone

The first real level of the game opens as Yukari introduces her class to her first creation: the Catbread! Half cat, half wheat, all cop. And then the class is introduced to her second creation, the Kriegsaffe. Can Osaka defeat cyborg monkeys for great justice?

Boss Dos: Kriegsaffe No. 9

The big kahuna. The copyrighted-title-but-not-proper-name Kong. A true test of pressing A to jump over his attacks and pressing B to use the Osaweapon.

Notable Weapon: The Flick Rubber Band

New Character: Chiyo. Chiyo is a real help with her ... um... mallety-bookbag-thing. Well, she'll suck up some extra damage to give you more time to fight. Switch at the Menu scren! Screen.

'Tweener 1: Yukari and Fame

It seems that Yukari's filthy abominations are quite the hit amidst the scientific community! She rockets to the top just in time to develop a craving for poolboys and cocaine. Nyamo disapproves.

Level 2: Profession Palisade Zone

It's the day of the job faire! Ask the cowboy about Deadlands, or the fight-person about Dungeons and Dragons, or perhaps a third person about a game that doesn't start with D! Exalted maybe? Of course it all goes south when the All Flesh Must Be Eaten booth goes south. Zombies? Who can't take out a couple before breakfast? Osaka better.

Boss The Third: Vecna

Huh, it appears that you've gone from a guy to a monkey to the incarnation of living death. You're really moving up the food chain. Best get snappy! The Dungeon Master Game Master Hollyhock God Game Overlord Deity Guy can't play the crappy "saved by deus ex machina" card immediately.

Notable Weapon: The +1 Mace.

New Character: Kagura. The fact that Kagura is 156 centimeters tall has nothing to do with the stick she beats people with. She runs fast.

'Tweener 2: Coke and Bitches

Yukari churns out more and more abominations to satiate her adoring public. Intervention? Not for someone who can sic a cerebus cat... thing on your ass.

Level 3: Cyborg Cataclysm Zone

Well, Yukari needs more funding for more exotic animals to forcibly crossbreed, and also more money for Colombian nose candy, so she's whored the school out to Saeder-Krupp. They make cyborg parts. They're headed by a dragon. Never deal with a dragon. We forgot to mention there are dragons. Free Cyberlimb Day goes terribly awry, and that beat-up ol' Nonperson decides it's time for a revolution. Go, Osaka! For great opression justice!

Boss No. 4: Nonperson Part 6. He's a cyborg now. He is also good with animals, and they don't like you. Beat him up.

Notable Weapon: Badass New Arm That Works Just As Well As The Old One, But It's Made Of Metal.

New Character: Kaorin. That guy, Sakaki, is a robot, and she's Kaorin's girlfriend. So that makes Kaorin a gay robot. Yes, that's exactly right. Kaorin is a gay robot. Cyborg.

'Tweener 3: Yukari Needs Bishounen.

Burnt out on poolboys and cocaine, Yukari decides to make her own bishounen. Sadly, she her ideal bishounen happens to be a fantasy specie known for its perogative to destroy mankind. And its wee-wee being a flower thing.

Level 4: Wraeththu Wrath Zone

Whelp, Yukari spat in God's eye, and God blinked. Her latest creation is like totally converting all the nondescript guys into Wraethtthu. That's pronounced "ray thoo." Ignore that middle "th." That's a bad thing. So is this being a riding level. Yep, time to head out of town in the Yukarimobile. Pray for death, for he washes his hands of you when Yukari steps behind the 'dash.

Boss 5: Supposedly Sweet Chopper. Bishounen need fancy shmancy vehicles. Sadly. SMOKE HIS HEAD.

Notable Weapon: Your battered corpse. As it technically adds extra mass to the car.

'Tweener 4: Better Dead than Bread.

Yukari takes a break as her students quietly vomit up their liquefied organs. She finds out that all Catbread wants to do is die-cycle, die-cycle. He wants to ride his die-cycle, he wants to ride his--but anyway. Yukari obliges. "Do not want!" she howls to the uncaring heavens.

Level 5: Desert Dying Zone.

Stand in the desert. Why is there a desert in Japan? Eh. Anyway, starve to death. This takes about three seconds. Osaka likes her food.

Boss 0: Your Startlement. What, it's over already?

Notable Weapons: Your Hunger.

'Tweener 5: She Daid.

Yukari dies. Whoops. But what's this light at the end of the tunnel? Salvation? Nein! It's level 6.

Level 6: Crossover Crisis Zone.

"Rise and shine, Miss Kasuga. Rise and shine...." So, uh, why is Osaka enguaging in a Point Insertion into City 17? That's what we'd like to know. Dick around. Fight some Combine. Seems productive.

Boss 6: Lol, Nihilanth. He's a big gray fetusy looking thing. End his life for reasons we're sure are justified.

Notable Weapon: Grav Gun, Eff Yeah.

New Character: Yomi. Yomi loves her Gravity Gun. In her pants. If you get me. Which there isn't much to get.

'Tweener 6: Vision Quest.

Can Yukari redeem herself from all the coke and bitches and aberrations? Well, maybe. We're not telling. I. I'm not. Stick around a few more levels.

Level 7: Spurious Synchronicity Zone.

So, you exploded the Nihilanth. And The G-Man dropped your ass off somewhere else. Where? Blood Gulch. No shit. Survive the multiplayer shenanigans as Caboose misses the point and Griff tries to bag one for the team.

Boss 7: Hey, It's Crunch-Bite. He survived the explosion and the five-story fall? Woo! Oh, guess Osaka better kill him before he does the same to her. Which is kill her, not kill him for her. That'd be suicide, and suicide is not good. It hogs all the XP for yourself, and you're not gonna need it after you bag it.

Notable Weapon: The Halo 1 Pistol. It goes back to the Halo 2 pistol when you're done. But it's still fun. Pwok! Pwok!

New Character: Tomo. Tomo drives the Warthog. She does not have a liscence but she'll always find the clutch. Often. If only she could hit things with her full auto SMG.

More to come...